Without willpower, I am bad.
Because this has been another One of Those Weeks so far, I am without willpower.
Therefore I am bad.
Therefore, I offer to you on this blog day, an excerpt from a book I recently read. No, I’m not telling you who wrote it, but I will tell you this one goes into my files.
I’ll also mention that it wasn’t the only such “you said WHAT now?” passage in this book (which is what makes it fair game). Or that the frequency of same didn’t again make me despair at the obvious fact that careful craft and prose don’t necessarily equal sales, and sales don’t necessarily equal careful craft and prose. (Because yes, you can imagine that this author is not, as I am, a midlister.)
And no, I’m not taking the easy way out. I’m not reading from Shades of Grey.
After all that, are you ready? Are you over eighteen? Okay, over sixteen? Okay, not me who stumbled over my first explicit novel at 13yo when I found it–literally–in the gutter? And read it because of COURSE I read it?
Here you are. The day’s wisdom in abbreviated blog form:
“…but his sensual lips had the ability to make her panties wet just looking at them. And she didn’t want to remember how they’d tasted.”
You’re welcome.
OMG. There’s a visual I didn’t expect this morning. LOL.
Wow. lol
O.M.G. BURST out laughing. Giggled. Laughed again. Sides hurt. Verse Daemon cackling fit to burst.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Literary Persuasion
Though fantasy’s fun, I’ll bet you don’t wish
To write something funnier than a six legged fish,
To have readers all gasping but not with amaze–
But because they’ve been laughing and giggling for days.
Bodily fluids, ye experts of fiction,
Will kill the mood faster than errors of diction,
And organs of sensory input as well
Must each stick to its sense or your readers can tell,
As they whoop in their oatmeal or snort in their tea,
That you are as careless as careless can be.
Wet panties, forsooth! And wet lips with eyes
like a squirt gun for panties? Really, not wise.
Your metaphor’s risen from an unholy grave
And nothing–at this point–your story can save.
Oh my goodness. Still laughing…how they tasted…!!
Well all of it really!
I’m so glad I waited until I was at work to read this. Because wow that made me laugh.
I could venture a guess as to the author…but I won’t. I’d rather just be ignorant and grateful that I haven’t read the book.
I warned you all!
I should feel guilty. I *should*! I will certainly hope this author never ever stumbles over my blog (of which there’s little likelihood), or if so, recognizes this passage. But I swear this was not taken out of any context that would have ameliorated the effect. And if this had been a one-off (if I may use that phrase), I never would have lost the willpower battle. We all screw up sometimes, and things sound differently in our heads than they do in someone else’s when reading the same words. But this was one of many, including a visual in a steamy scene that made me jerk the book away with a cry of horror (and never pick it up again, because I will never, ever get that image out of my head).
Success is the best revenge, and this author is in good shape on that account. You might well not guess who it is, either, because the book was given to me, and isn’t along the lines of anything you’ve seen me read or talk about. Another thing that weakened my willpower…
(Elizabeth, bravo!!)
say whut? Show rather than tell is usually good advise for a writer, but this one – drive a stake through it and bury it deep.
If what you quoted is the lesser of the truly weird I am truly thankful that you closed the book when you did. Meanwhile I will do a search to discover what else is needed for an exorcism.
Good luck with that…
OhTheirGhod.
I do read erotica, no secret, but that line is just over the TOP.
Actually this is just plain steam, from a sensual romance. Hard to tell, of course, from just that line. ;> Especially the way Certain Publisher is pushing us closer and closer to erotica in many lines…but it still remains a distinct genre, with its own genre requirements.