To Pee or Not to Pee, That is the Question

Dart

The innocent face of Dart Beagle

Or so sayeth Dart Beagle.

When you get a young dog after the optimal housebreaking age, you expect certain issues.  When said young dog has lived an outdoor-oriented life, you expect something of a challenge with those issues.

Let us say, expectations have been fulfilled.

Actually, Dart appeared to catch onto the bathroom break system pretty quickly.  In fact, we had a decent little rhythm going, and he was gaining additional house privileges along the way.

But then something changed.

It’s called “cold weather.”

D’Artagnan Beagle was appalled to discover “cold.” And he does not approve AT ALL.

How much he doesn’t approve wasn’t evident until the night before the mid-November agility trial.

Me: Oh woe, I have worked late and I have to get up at 4am tomorrow for the trial.  Oh woe, I am tired.  Thank goodness I can go to bed now.

puts dogs to bed, feeds horse, flops into bed

LEVITATES OUT OF BED

Me: OH WOE MY PILLOW IS SOAKING WET!

Me: WT Everlasting F!

quiet voice from the kitchen:

Dart: Oh, didn’t I tell you?  I had to pee.  Don’t worry, I took care of it.

And so there was a change of sheet, a pillow thrown out, nightshirt changed, and still the alarm went off at 4am.

But after the trial, the black light came out–and woe, the extensive nature of such moments became known.  The cleaning solution came out, too.  (As did the keep-track-of-me bells now adorning his collar.)

D’Artagnan Beagle also acquired a belly band. This little ingenuity doesn’t prevent or even discourage him from relieving himself, but it does protect the carpet (the corners of my hanging bedspread, the bed itself, the wood pellet stove, the–well, you get the picture) and it does make it crystal clear when he’s gone, allowing me to discern the pattern of such things.

In short order, this is what I learned:

Dart Beagle: It should not be cold out.

Dart Beagle: If I must spend time out in my wonderful large backyard with my packmates, I will deign to pee when I get out there, but then I will adore my Dogloo.

Dart Beagle: It doesn’t matter how much I have to pee, I will adore my Dogloo very hard until I come inside, and then I will PEE IN COMFORT.

Dart Beagle: Also, for the record, I will PEE PRODIGIOUSLY and FREQUENTLY.

Frequently and prodigiously enough so I also recently provided the vet with a sample to make sure there wasn’t a urinary tract infection involved.

This, of course, meant catching the pee of a weasel-quick little athlete who’s never considered that a human would want to do any such thing.

Me: La la la,  let’s just go out back with this leash and this discreet little collection container.

Dart Beagle: Okay, I gotta pee!

Me: Here’s your favorite tree.

Dart Beagle: Okay, I gotta pee!

Dart Beagle commences to–

Dart Beagle: OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING

sucks himself and all his parts out of the vicinity with such appalled alacrity that several inches of pee stream disappear back inside his body

Me: Oh, seriously.  Just pee.

Dart Beagle: Okay, I gotta pee!

Dart Beagle commences to–

Dart Beagle: OMG YOU DID IT AGAIN

Me: Get over it.  Just pee.

Dart Beagle: No.  I don’t have to anymore.  I’m going to sit here and look miserable.

does this

So Dart went back into his crate and I wracked my smoking brains (I had a deadline for this particular sample, for various reasons), and decided to put hospital hand basins in place at his favorite pee spots.  (What, YOU don’t keep those things for a decade or so?)  And then out we went.

Dart Beagle: Oh, good, because I really gotta–WHAT!  WHAT ARE THOSE!  You can’t fool me, this is an evil trick.  *makes warding sign*  I’m going to sit here and look miserable.

does this

Me: Well, let’s go inside for a bit, then, while my brains steam and try to come up with something even more clever.  Ha ha.

Dart Beagle: Please.  Oh good, yes, we’re heading back to the–

Dart Beagle: Oh!

Dart Beagle: I WILL PEE RIGHT HERE SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

Me: Aieeeee! *swoop*

And so in spite of the fact that I was completely unprepared, poorly positioned, and had to play a game of doggy twister that was ever so much more invasive than a simple slide-beneath maneuver, the pee was caught.

Lots and lots of it.

(Dart, by the way, does not have a UTI.)

So the next step is trying him on a different food to see if that makes things less…urgent…for him.  In the meantime, he has definitely learned the routine of running outside every two hours, instantly peeing, and then coming back inside to the warmth.  This came in handy at the hotel this weekend.

So sad that we were on the second floor.

And all is not lost; he’s definitely getting the idea.  His tripping point is that he hasn’t figured out how to ask to go out, but we’re working on that, too–a doggy doorbell.

Dart Beagle: This is a great game!  But it has nothing whatsoever to do with anything else in my life, so why are you giving me that look?

We persevere.

With diaper.

PS Here is a little bonus agility activity…

Connery at warp

Connery exiting a tunnel at warp speed

About Doranna

My books are SF/F, mystery, paranormal romance, and romantic suspense. My dogs are Beagles, my home is the Southwest, and the horse wants a cookie!
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3 Responses to To Pee or Not to Pee, That is the Question

  1. Peggy says:

    OMG what a laugh! Well of course I’m not living it. Yes I do keep those hospital basins forever or at least till I moved 5 years ago. Yes I laughed there also.

  2. Doranna says:

    Hee! Glad you enjoyed it. 8)

  3. BlogPatty says:

    LOL about 6 times!

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